View Profile VicariousE

Turn over new leaf?

Posted by VicariousE - August 20th, 2019

Should I drastically change who I am? Thinking, yes, probably should.

When people older than myself wanted to assume control, I let them, when someone asked for my time, help or a loan I gave it to them. Now that I don't have the means to be so generous, I'm labeled a cheat, liar, asshole, bum, trespasser.

So what if I suddenly became an asshole for real? Would save me plenty of time, money and aggravation. The few friends and family I have in real life have turned their backs on me, what's to lose?

If I'm able to access Newgrounds after this month, I might not be so kind as I have been, but I'll be worse in real life. America is only good for assholes.

Comments (16)

it's not possible for some. I don't think you have the @sshole gene...don't lose your way dude.

Maybe not the gene, but oh boy, I dunno about other ppl w/ Asperger's, but I can sure let the pissy juice loose if so provoked... too bad it's not a valid argument. My own fault for talking softly, even with bulleted points, numbers, simple statements... maybe should've employed creative cussing

I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you're able to repair those relationships (or start new ones instead) without becoming either an asshole or a pushover.

Almost all people are static characters, once an asshole, always an asshole. I've been a good leader w/ my own projects, likely would've made a good husband or father.. but bleh I'm kind of a pushover when it comes to others who think they know better

Eh you are way smarter than the asshole genepool of Americans.

Yea should've bolted to the great white north or Australia... considered Belize even, shame I never got the contract to shoot a commercial for their tourist bureau. Americans are too damned wrapped up in achieving, collecting.. tryharding as a lifestyle, dunno why, can't battle a finite existence. Leaving something behind is good though, but not if you trample the present day

You take care now. Keeping IRL away from anyone's minds does wonders.

IKR? Used to tell my Pop 'don't go visiting my intentions', but when you start ignoring ppl's actions... shit :(

Really miss your discord man, still in it, but haven't opened it, guess it's like a big ball of awesomeness that will keep like a good bottle of hooch, just waiting for someone to twist the cap off

I'm an asshole myself and it's working out for me. My reasons for being an asshole? People suck. There's the gangsta mindset that seems to run rampant everywhere. What happened to being a civilized human being and leaving people the fuck alone? Then there's blatant ignorance to go with it, and you're not innocent of this. People run their fucking mouth without knowing all of the facts. There's also the issue of intolerance and bigotry. Again, you're not in the clear on this. The opposite of love should be indifference. So, in part, people like you are the reason I'm an asshole. Fuck you very much. Take what you can get from that.

appreciate the well thought sentiments... noticed you rewrote this a few times.
i'm for live and let live, but also like helping, which requires some knowledge and resources, the latter of which is not inexhaustable... and yup, guilty as charged to : intolerance, bigotry. the problem i've had lately is, i've overcompensated for it, and given ppl waaay too much 'benefit of the doubt' when the facts in front of me said different... but i'm being vague, likely frustratingly so as a response.
blame the lack of protein, lol sry

Very well, sir.
I feel no need to "compensate" for past misdeeds. There's no point. You might not like it. A lot of people wouldn't. Some might say that it's bad karma. I don't care. It doesn't matter. The only things that matter is that I improve as a human being and don't hurt anyone else as I've done in the past. On the other side, I sure as hell don't need to be letting anyone get over on me. You've used the word assertive. And that's exactly what you need to be, and what I do my best to be (though my autism holds me back at times). You can be an asshole and survive well, even thrive. However, keep in mind that paybacks are a bitch, a lesson I know too well. I'm trying to be less of an asshole, but past trauma makes it difficult. I'm thinking that you have dealt with some shit in your life as well to the point that you almost can't help being an asshole sometimes. There are cases where you have to be an asshole (usually to deal harshly with an asshole who deserves it), but please don't be like that 24/7. It's unbecoming of someone with a bigger brain than most Americans.

Yea, guess it takes the genetically different a couple of extra years to acclimatize to the ways normal humans conduct themselves... so many different ways, and the methods(acting) change every few years. Learned behavior seems generational, ugh too many variables... and it doesn't take much flustering from them to mess me up :p

Hey, wait, are you, like, going hungry and shit because you are that fucked in life? Come on, man, go get some food stamps (if you don't have them already). Eat at soup kitchens/homeless shelters that serve free meals when you can. If not, my apologies, disregard this comment.

Like just over 2 months of barely anything to eat, but luckily my best friend's sis lives a town over from me, hooked me up Sunday. Then someone called animal control on my outside cats, but I know the guy and he brought over some deer meat and angus chop meat/ground beef...

Just fucky that the few family and friends I've done favors for ignored me, and the one lady I kinda owe came through for me (she had 6 of the farm cats spayed here after the place sold - all but one ran off, and that cat took up w/ the tenants next door, got run over 3 months ago)

Live far enough away from county seat/distribution points to make it a prob. Also no phone, so no appointments for said help. Guess there's lots of backstory to my situation and to handouts in general... history's been helpful in understanding humanity/social constructs

not that one can make a well-founded amateur diagnosis over the internet- but why do consider yourself to have aspergers? if there's one identifiable characteristic of people on the spectrum, it would be a lack of or inability to express empathy, and to me it doesn't seem that you have such a trait.

I don't have the empathy gene, but I got raised by older parents who taught me values. Growing up, saw the reactions of ppl I've helped, hurt, etc, so that's visual feedback, enough to adjust my tack... you know, anything to keep me out of social problems lol. Still have emotions myself, but I know they differ from everyone else's... there seem to be fewer flavors, but more potent.

Just glad I didn't get raised or treated differently from normies, good ol' late 20th century institutional ignorance, took em 2 decades to label it, create a code number for it

Damn, I don't even know what to say to all of that. I can't imagine that kind of life, though I've been in some bad situations.
Fun fact: I was homeless less than two months ago. Staying in a shelter can be rough, but most I've been to provided at least two meals a day. And I had a storage unit, which wasn't too expensive, though it was because I didn't have much stuff. $40 a month for a 4x4 unit. I kept most of my stuff in the storage (some people in shelters steal), which I visited at least twice a week for clothing/laundry and sometimes work gear. I don't know if it's different where you're at, or if you'd consider a shelter an option at this time. I'm just throwing it out there for you.

If nothing changes soon, all of what you suggest will have to be on the table. I've got stuff in storage too, but it used to cost a little over 200$ now it's just over 400$ a month... guess I'm a good example of boiled frog

It is so nice to have you back on Newgrounds, leaving your thoughts and feelings about life. I have always related to a lot of your blogs and have been wondering how things are going with you and it is nice to know you are keeping your head up. I don't know about Wookums advice but I don't suggest a shelter, or any organization that is going to ask more of you than you are willing to give out. No instead I would suggest digging deep and sell yourself to the highest bidder for your talent and skills, you have a sharp mind and are full of wonderful ideas that I know someone will be able to use. Settle for nothing less than what you feel you are worth and I hope you make your goals of success, sooner than later.

Kinda been doing the opposite actually. Locally jobs have dried up and what little contract work I've picked up paid shit. Not much call for troubleshooters or creative types, though I've done a few things for folks who are struggling, should go back and suggest a few more things so they don't go under

It's easy to be an asshole, but when all goes wrong, like my life has dealt with, you can take those negative experiences, and learn from them. It helps grow patience, understanding, and using it as a weapon. But, not violence or screaming, that's something anyone can do. Kindness. It's not always easy, I have my moments, and I have Autism, Anxiety, PTSD, BPD, and I've beaten Depression.

I've been through the ringer and back, not as much as some have, but I've seen enough of it to have my spirit broken a number of times, but I kept getting up. What really helped, was support from friends. This last part will sound crazy, but if you start taking good care of yourself, and believe you can do something, and believe things can change, as hard as it is to believe, the universe brings you what you need, when you need it. Not even kidding. We attract what we are.

That's how I've been turning my life around, even in my current situation, I've been getting money out of nowhere it seems (from friends, fans, and song revenue, but generally because people appreciate me and what I do, because I'm not an asshole, but rather I spread love and kindness, I sometimes give advice to people).

It pays off Hard, but it does eventually. Ultimately, the best advice I can give, is to do what you feel is right, but don't let hate and stress consume you, nor fear. That destroyed my life and only made things worse. Ask the universe to find someone to really rely on, lean on, and try to better yourself, and you'll run into them sometime along the way not too far from now.

That's my take on it. Give to the world, and it will give to you. But, only give what you can, and make sure you're taken care of first. It is possible without being selfish.

Followed your advice kinda late, but staying ahead of starvation at least. Kinda glad I got over a lot of mental shit you mentioned in my 20's, but still have issues with trusting people at their word... my Pop had a similar problem towards the final decade or two before he passed away, I attributed that to his good nature and lack of understanding of how Americans have 'progressed' socially.
Really sucks to be cynical, not in my nature to be mistrustful, but I guess that's something I've got to work on if I wanna survive.
Read your last post, glad you've been able to keep swimming. When you're younger, applying your force of will usually yields positive results. But in both our cases, it's best to take whatever work you can, have more mass behind the momentum. Inertia is damn helpful lol

@VicariousE Exactly. Hang in there man, I know it's not easy, especially as you get older. My drive is wanting to see change in the world, and to be close to people, to spread love and share it. I love making people happy, but I also am scared of someone being too close like romantically, because ultimately so many have come and gone, I'm scared of being too attached to someone anymore, unless they prove long enough that they're staying. That takes a long while for me to trust them to stick around.

In that sense, I'm kind of lonely. I want that one person to be able to stick around, as I know many people's lives move in different directions and I never expect anyone to stick around or be able to, but I want to connect with that one person, marry them, the works. It's mostly a vulnerability thing, fear of that, and lack of a bond with my parents in my childhood when I was adopted.

I used to be super not trusting, I can't say I know what you've been through, but I've been betrayed a lot myself, in horrible ways. You've seen one of those ways this year with the con artist Jake situation with Coded Emotion and that game project. Knew the guy for 8 years. I just don't want to be like anyone else, I want to live in positivity, I'm sick of negativity, and that drama.

What made me more trusting is my good friends, I will say that. You have to seek out those good people, be sure you're good to them, and sometimes it's hard to judge good character, it can be tough to spot out the liars sometimes, but it's trial and error, and you learn along the way. I feel I've seen a lot for my age in my life, and I'm thankful for it. I want to use my experiences, my stories, to help people see there's always hope in the darkest situations, and I've been through so many black holes that just flipped 180, it's insane, because of being who I am, and people believing in that.

It makes me happy, and I want to take care of people, because that's what I want for myself and my life also; to be taken care of, as well as taking care of myself. Also, that one person made a huge impact in my life, reached in my heart, and showed me I didn't hate everyone back then, I was just scared, and I cared so much, which is why I felt so much anger. I felt ugly and insecure back then, only wanting to be loved and to connect with people, but I didn't know how until she showed me. That changed my life.

Hang in there man, don't give up, just be yourself, never stop, because I'd rather die trying to be who I want to be than what I promised I would never become. Follow your heart, never stop chasing that, because someone will see that. I had to change cities to improve my life, but I do miss some people back home because they're good friends. I'm making great friends here too. Sometimes, a change of scenery is needed.

Do what you feel is right.

Even when I was your age, women would sometimes make up a list of things they want from a LTR (including 'what if' answers to questions), maybe it's time for men to do the same thing.

Being adopted.. yea that's another one of those interesting Fallout perks you have no choice in picking out when starting the game, must be even more complicated when the other no-choice perk is a type of autism. Used to be being adopted was a sure-fire way to get into some girls pants... but usually that was due to having the risk-taking gene/gambling/adventure gene, which has the possible side effect of prison or suicide, so...

It's fortunate you had someone mentor the better angels of your good nature, at a time when anger and mistrust were slowing you down.

I never wanted to move for lots of reasons, but, gentrification lol... they (used to) say that 80% of the population is born and dies within a 50 miles radius. Wonder if that's still true. Guess the only thing I have to fall back on is a line from a prolific screenwriter, "Hey hey hey, don't be mean, because, no matter where you go, there you are." It's not so much the moving of the body as it is changing the challenges of the mind

@AdventVoice @VicariousE is that what you are good at, trouble-shooting?

I am here at least lol. In real world businesses, I've been pretty good at observing discrepancies, bottlenecks, that sort of thing... when you usually take menial work, the mind has plenty of time to consider many options. Used to be good at surveying, plumbing and a few other things that nowadays require a degree and/or licensing from the State. Guess it comes down to money collection, not the old world values that fostered hard working people, and safe, clean working environments.

@VicariousE What ifs....you gotta be careful with those, it can get ridiculous. It sounds like you haven't seen the right people. Though I'm not exactly sure what you mean with that so it depends. Oh yeah, definitely...definitely screwed with my Autism too, but I've finally in recent years learned to overcome all that. Ah...true. I can't say I was that crazy lol.

Oh yes, definitely. I sought the truth, and the truth came with years of trying to find it in the world. That ties heavily to my artist name. I used to have horrible anger issues until recent years, and yes, those issues slowed me down a lot.

Wow...really? That sounds scary. My lifelong dream since i was a kid has been a screenwriter, and I'm finally truly able to pursue it, if what I think happens, is going to happen in November. I'm meeting a famous filmmaker. :) Yes, indeed.

Always challenge yourself, your mind, your beliefs, ultimately I've found myself more that way. Life's too short to live mean and miserable. Share a little love, get a little back. It's not always easy, but the best thing to do is to not expect it, but spreading positivity can promote positivity around your life, because you're making those people happy and more positive, so you're literally changing your environment and the people around you. It's refreshing.

You do have to pick up some cues and learn a lot about people to know how to do that for some, but I've learned a lot along the way. I seem to be good at it. But yes, you do have a point there too. But, sometimes you have to go with the wind, do what you feel, go where you feel is right. I took a risk, moved to Tampa Florida with my friends, and it's paying off. I'm making more money, and not in the shithole of a situation I was in, anymore.

Sure, I may be dealing with another now, but I've got it handled, and things are getting better. I was "too safe" back where I was, it was boring, uneventful, and I wasn't making any progress in my life, I was living alone for 6 1/2 years trapped in a one-bedroom condo where I couldn't get a roommate, and I didn't make much at my job and it was hard to find jobs there. I had to move to something better, with supportive roommates. I have 2 of them, now I'm not alone.

I had to make that change, take a risk in my life, challenge myself to see things change, to keep learning, keep growing, keep failing to finally start doing something right. I want to inspire the world to see that in their own lives too. You got this man. You're a good guy, and you have a lot to say.

Honestly, I always saw you as an inspiring mind who has a lot to say, and always thought you should podcast or something like have your own show. I loved that piece you did for the 20th NG anniversary video we did together, what you filmed and the commentary, it was a good short documentary-style thing. Very well done. I feel like you would make a good documentry filmmaker, and podcaster.

Look within yourself, think about what you're good at, and what you really want to do most. Pursue that. Don't give up, you got this man. You're a good guy.

I say it's good to look out for yourself until you find people worth it. good luck man!

It's not all bad! We just all like to speak all negative. It's the vocal minority that's the most, but it feels like we ourselves speak the most on that which we feel the least: anything negative. it's become the conversation piece of choice. People are intrigued by tragedy until they're personally afflicted, or until it overwhelms them... the world needs a gradual decrease of assholes man, not more of them, I hope you find some good people out there that rekindle your positivity and hope.